Baldy Potter Legacy
by ralph the third
Summary: I'm going through all the books and making fun of their titles. Enjoy.
1. The Stoned Sorcerer

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, or coke, thankfully.

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Baldy Potter was no ordinary wizard. He was a bald one. Baldy had one characteristic, beside his lack of hair, that was different from most wizards. On his forhead was a scar the shape of a Christmas tree.

At least, I assume it was on his forhead. It's rather hard to tell where the forhead stops and the crown begins if there is no hair line.

At any rate, Baldy was a brat and he lived with his bratty aunt, his bratty uncle, and his bratty cousin. His mother and father had been equaly bratty in their time, but since they were dead, nobody had the heart to call them on it.

One day at school, Baldy was wondering why he'd gotten detention for breaking the rules when clearly he had a Christmas tree on his forhead.

At least, I assume it was on his forhead. It's rather hard to tell where the forhead stops and the crown begins if there is no hair line.

At any rate, he walked into a dark alley where sat a man with a small plastic bag.

"Yo," coughed the man. "You wanna buy this?"

"Sure," said Baldy, and handed the man a nut... that is, a knut.

Upon arriving in his home, Baldy ripped the bag open and smelled its white, powdery contents.

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"Ugh..." sighed Baldy two hours later. _What happened?_ he thought as he lay naked under his bed. _Oh well. I wonder if I can get any more of that suped up confectionary sugar..._


	2. The Secret Chamber

I don't own squat.

Baldy Potter was no ordinary wizard. He was bald, as his name so implies. Another abnormality was a small scar on his forehead in the shape of a Christmas tree.

At least, I assume it was on his forehead. It's rather hard to tell where the forehead stops and the crown begins if there is no hair line.

At any rate, Baldy was a brat and lived with his bratty relatives. One day, he found a sign on a door that said: There is no chamber in here. Baldy thought it was stupid to mark nothing and went on his way. One _other _day, he got mad because he had broken a rule and gotten in trouble for it, even though he had a Christmas tree on his forehead.

At least, I assume it was on his forehead. It's rather hard to tell where the forehead stops and the crown begins if there is no hair line.

At any rate, he got mad and went to find a place to hide, as though that would help things. It just so happened that he was crying and couldn't see that he ran into the door that was marked that it held no chamber. He then rubbed his head and opened the door, still not seeing the sign. Inside was a chamber like none he'd ever seen. It had a carpeted ceiling and smoke detectors on the floor. Baldy dried his tears and used his photographic memory to recall the image he'd seen before entering the chamber in which he stood. After digitally re-mastering his memory, Baldy noticed that the sign had lied and was thus keeping the chamber a secret. He swore never to tell a sole. He then broke his promise by bending over and whispering to his shoe.


	3. The Prisoner that Went KABANG

Baldy Potter was no ordinary wizard. By now, we have established that he was a bald brat with a Christmas tree on his forehead.

At least, I assume it was on his forehead; it's rather difficult to tell where the forehead ends and the crown begins in the absence of a hair line.

At any rate, one day he was sent to prison because the one time he _didn't _break a rule, nobody believed him.

Baldy's cell mate said his name was Goofy White and that he was innocent too. He said, "I knew your father. He was as big a brat as you are, if not bigger."

"Goofy White?" Baldy repeated. "You're the one who _killed_ my father!"

"No, Baldy," said Goofy. "I _am _your father! Hyuk- hyuk!"

"It's a lie!" Baldy shouted.

Goofy turned crimson. Losing his temper, he exploded... literally.

**_KABANG!_**


	4. The Firey Goblin

Baldy Potter still isn't ordinary and he's still got a Christmas tree on his bratty forehead.

At least, I assume it's his forehead...

At any rate, one day Baldy was in prison. A guy in a white, powdery, curly wig came in his cell and said, "If you kill the Firey Goblin, then you can go free!"

The man lef and a monster came in. The monster ate a packet of 2-year-old mustard, giving him stinky breath hotter than fire. He breathed on Baldy and nearly killed him.

_Maybe_, thought Baldy, _if I utter some altered latin words, I can get some demons to kill it for me._

"Muerto mucho!" cried Baldy, and the creature died.

"Congratulatons," said the dude in the wig. "You get to go free! ... To the circus tonight!"


	5. The Order of Flamingos

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter... they don't sell that kind of stuff on ebay. :( No $ either.

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Baldy-Potter-wasn't-a-normal-boy-he-was-a-wizard-wit-a-Christmas-tree-shaped-scar-on-his-forhead-or-the-top-of-his-head-I'm-not-sure-which-because-he's-bald... (Inhales) There, we got the monotonous intro out of the way. 

Correct me if I'm wrong: In out last story, Baldy was told that he could "Go free" to the circus. As it was, Baldy had worked in this very circus for the greater part of his life training flamingos, so it was nothing new or exciting to him. On the other hand, it was free and the cotton candy was exquisite.

He consumed the fuzzy sweets lazily as he watched the elephants dance a jig. He lapped thecloud-like confections lethargically as he mused over the clumsy clowns. He (Insert synonym for "Ate") the (Insert description of cotton candy) as he (Insert synonym for "Watched") the (Insert circus act of your choice.) It was very relaxing to watch his colleagues make fools of himself while he did nothing because he was already as big a fool as one can find. Yes, very relaxing...

...Until the flamingo act came out. It was terrible! Sure, the trainer was a hot chick, but she had to be simply daft. Bruce, Baldy's favorite flamingo, was in the back of the line! Darryl was in front, while Willis and Lyle suported Gladys on their backs! Couldn't she tell the order was all wrong?Baldy fumed.Fumed so thoroughly that he lost what little wit he possessed and marched down into the center ring, snatched the baton from the new trainer and began leading the act himself. Immediately, the flamingos corrected their order and the book ended.

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R&R, if you please. :) 


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